Cryptic Crisis

I'm other-oriented in the sense that I think people should be oriented to others as part of general practice but admittedly, I'm horrible at it myself. I don't pry, so you shouldn't pry. But sometimes people want you to pry because apparently that's called being a good listener and people like it.

So as other-oriented and socially aware as I like to consider myself, I often miss cues. Actually, if we're being honest, I'm self-absorbed so if you need my attention say it. I'll happily dedicate some time to hear your woes and offer advice. I like you. That's why we're friends on Facebook. I'm genuinely invested in your snippets. Just say what's on your mind.

You could just scan your friends' woes all on one page. Everyone is just saying what is on their mind. Oh, you're having a bad day? Here's a <3 thing. Bad break up? ((HUGS)). Accomplished something? Like

I'm such a good friend.

But then everyone went and got all cryptic with their status and the cues I miss in person, I also now miss online. I'm sorry, but I don't know EVERY song by The Cure, so that obscure reference you made to their 1984 B-side reflecting your bottomless pit of infinite sadness was totally lost on me. I can't tell if you need a <3 or an iTunes account.

The whole Person A "Everything is horrible" status is equally perplexing. Alright, so you were more specific than quoting Little Women but I don't know if you need a <3, some XOXOXO or maybe ((HUGS)) with lots of extra (((((()))))))) like I'm trying to pop your head off. 

Seriously dude, I'll smother the fuck out of you with ((())), just let me know.

And of course, someone asks "What's the matter?" but Person A never responds. Did you get all indignant that one or two of your closest 836 Facebook friends wants to know your business? I'm only a casual acquaintance of Person A and I already know that "everything is horrible" so you might as well follow up with the details. Is it your everything or everything in the world everything? I'd like a head's up on a 28 Days everything is horrible kind of everything.

Imagine if this had happened in Libya?

Aabida Ahmed "This is total bullshit."

• Haleema Amel "What's the matter?"
• Ra'fat Mohamed "Hope everything is ok! (((HUGS)))"
• 1 person likes this

Meanwhile, the bullshit is actually that the country is at civil war. Thanks Ra'fat  but I'm pretty sure all the (((()))) in the world won't help. Aabida should've updated her status to clarify. Otherwise we can't tell if your boyfriend broke up with you or your in the midst of a revolutionist uprising from your oppressive dictator (arguably the same thing). And if you're not going to be specific, you'll never make it as an iReporter on CNN.