I don't know what this says about my ability to become impassioned with things in my life, but I have never, ever felt so fervent for anything to justify stalking it. I just don't care about anything that much. Certainly, I don't care enough to, say, call it obsessively, and leave profane content on its voicemail.
Actually, that isn't true. I love coffee that much. I would totally call coffee and leave it a lewd voicemail.
Heeeey, coffee...I'm going to grind your beans, and drown you in burning hot water. Then I'll cover you in milk and sugar, and drink your very existence. I want to rape you. With my mouth.
See, it's funny when I'm talking about coffee. It's way less funny when someone is saying they'll do that to me.
Anyway, the point is - please stop stalking me. I don't so much like it.