I just had an epiphany about myself. Well, I had two rather insightful thoughts, which I've combined into something equatable to an epiphany:
1. I have the emotional control of a chicken nugget - either superficially pleasant or profoundly disturbing should you dwell too long on the contents; and,
2. I experience emotions on a time delay.
Yesterday, I was having a fairly heavy discussion with someone. There were several points during the discussion which would have warranted being upset. I, of course, passed right over those without pause. It went like this...
SAD, ANGRY, SELFISH, GRUMPY, IRRITATED, ALOOF, MISUNDERSTOOD, ANGRY, SNARKY...and I was totally fine...HURT, DISAPPOINTED, IRRITATED, PEACEABLE, COMPROMISE, FORGIVENESS...here's where I get wonky...BYGONES BE BYGONES, SUBJECT CHANGE...and I lose it...
At the subject change?! What the hell!
It was like everything I should've been feeling in the beginning of the conversation was finally processed through my brain. Worse, once I felt sadness about my current situation, my brain dumped a whole backlog of other unpleasant ENTIRELY UNRELATED emotions into the mix. It was like a kamikaze effort to get the shit out of my system.
Suddenly I was sad about everything - this, that, then, the ASPCA commercials, my 2nd grade recital, my dad, riboflavin, divorce, peer pressure, maritime law, repudiation, love loss, buyer's remorse, ironic turnabout, etc.
Why the shit am I upset about those ASPCA commercials?! I haven't even watched TV in like 3 days!
But I was. I was suddenly so overcome with those sad little faces, and Sarah McLachlan's song, that tears began to well up in my eyes. And what do you do with a wet chicken nugget? Throw it away! You don't know how that nugget got all wet!
People say it's not good to bottle up your emotions, and that you should let them all out. Seriously though, if you could help it, would you let all of that out? Fuck no you wouldn't. You'd dig a hole, stick them in, and cover it with cement, dirt, new turf, and a little yellow flag so no one would dig there.
Warning: Buried Clusterfuck.