Karma Pays Out in Spades

This morning, I fly to DC. No biggie. Get on the plane and am so pleased to find out that I'm sitting betwixt a giant sweaty man and a chatty looking lady. No worries, I'll chat with you lady since I'll be leaning heavily your way already...

I pull out my giant LSAT study guide and chatty lady says, "Oh, you taking the LSAT?"

I find this question funny whenever I hear it because really...why would anyone read a LSAT study guide who wasn't taking the test?? Whatever, to each his own...

Turns out chatty lady is a chatty lawyer. She asks where I want to go to school.

Georgetown...

Oh! That's a good school!

I can't tell if she's surprised. I'm finding that people are regularly surprised when I say stuff about the LSAT. We all know who I'm talking about...

Chatty lawyer lady's boss is a legal studies professor at Georgetown. He's currently on leave as the Director of the FTC.

I'm sorry...what? You're boss is the director of the FTC? You work for the FTC?

Yes, yes chatty lawyer does. She's the regional director of the FTC in Atlanta.

SHUT UP! So I'm telling her about what I do and how I've seen her boss at several conferences and think that he is just the cat's pajamas when it comes to his viewpoints on privacy regulations, etc. and that even though I didn't before know he was a professor, that I wasn't surprised because he had that relatable quality.

Then she says...give me your information. I'll pass it along. My boss loves to mentor law students and is especially fond of community-oriented management of privacy. Particularly with disparaged populations.

HOLY SHIT!! If you had asked me why I was interested in law I would have said, "I'm really passionate about protecting the privacy rights of disenfranchised populations, especially in business operations with unique obstacles hindering the actualization of privacy principles."

In fact I did say that, like that in my personal statement submission to the law school admission council. But it gets better!!!!!

She asks me how long I'm in town and if I'm going to look at the law school which just so happens to be right across the street from the FTC's office and says I should stop by.

DONE SON!

I LOVE BUS STOP CHICK!

I LOVE BSC!

This chick is so awesome. Sadly (or proudly), I don't have a large enough shitty rap library to match up with her ever day. And Lord knows V103 and 107.9 don't really play music in the morning. SHUT UP RICKY SMILEY! Play "Black & Yellow" already!

Up until yesterday I managed to use the random Soldja Boy CD Brandon gave me for my birthday one year. It's random because I've never been a Soldja Boy fan and the accompanying gifts were a Song of the South poster and a lobster shaped oven mitt. Whatever, Soldja Boy is shitty rap personified but it's also mind numbing and so 2009...

So last night I decided to download a bunch of crappy rap songs so I could make a BSC CD. I'll entertain the hell out of myself!

But since it rained like hell last night I was worried she wouldn't be able to dance holding an umbrella. I wonder is there's a hip hop cover of "Singing in the Rain." Thankfully it wasn't raining this morning AND the stoplight at the intersection was blinking so I get to spend an extra long time finding what song she was listening to. My commute is so MFN AWESOME NOW!

Definitely listening to Pitbull ft. T-Pain "Hey Baby." How can I possibly know this? She totally dropped it to the floor saying "hey baby, baby" to herself. Seriously damn BSC! The grass is wet and you know it! That is some epic get low courage right there. What if your thigh gave out and you sat-ass in the mud?!

What is all of your pants? Oh, I was pumping the jam from the side, upside down and dropped it a liiiiiitttlle too far to the floor.

Psycho Post-It Wall

I have to say, I am really apprecative of my coworkers' real (or very good fake) support of me and the LSAT. The fact that they all chipped in to help me round up different color Post-Its for my Logical Reasoning Wall was really nice.

After I've written them all out, sorted and stuck them up on the wall, my coworker amigos come to take a look-see at just what the dickens I've been up to for the last hour. After all, this is for the LSAT and that is a very smart test and all the fuss I'm making about it, this Post-It thing must be mighty impressive (at least, that's what I think they're thinking in my head).

So imagine their supreme disappointment when coming into marvel at my study plan they find 40 multicolored Post-It's with little words like "yet," "so," "none," likely," and "for."

These are your vocabulary words??

No assholes these are the vocabulary words of a child. I know because these are also on multicolored Post-Its at my house, though ironically, not for my use.

These are vocabulary words in the LSAT that impact the function of an argument.

You need to learn what "clearly" means?

No, I need to know when clearly means there is a conclusion coming up so I don't spend too much time reading the damn questions, not finishing the section, freaking out and run screaming from the exam room.

Hmmmm

Get out of my office. Leave my Psycho Post-It Wall alone.

It's Like That Chris Rock Joke...

I have to go to Washington D.C. for work. I hate D.C. The traffic is horrible. People are rude. There are tolls and lots of pigeons. It's a hell mouth.


So the office is on Martin Luther King Avenue in downtown D.C. First of all, my company doesn't have offices in the swanky parts of town because that's not where people need assistance. Secondly, MLK is a universal warning sign for bad neighborhood.


Better still, the email from my coworker literally says, "Just remind her not to stay on New York Avenue, NE."


Well damn! I already knew I wasn't going to be staying on MLK Ave, SE but now I gotta watch out for NY Ave, NE too??


Why don't you guys just tell me where I should stay? "North of Mass Ave."


I'm sure this is sound advice but it's meaningless to me. You guys pick. Where would you put your sweet elderly great-grandma up to stay? That's the hotel I want to be in. Mammaw's hotel choice.


"Well Capitol Hill and Georgetown are ok areas." I'd like to point out the use of "ok" rather than "good" or "safe." So I look up these just-satisfactory hotel listings and it's like $350/night.


IS THIS REALLY THE PRICE YOU HAVE TO PAY TO NOT GET MURDERED IN DC?


I hate to say it but I really think my boss didn't budget for any murder-avoidance inflation in my travel budget this year. It's still kind of likely I'll have to go to El Paso, TX and if there's ever a place I wanna drop some serious change on a murder-free hotel, it's in El Paso!


Ain't no dinner excursions to Juarez...


I think I'll just stay in safe old Bedford, VA at my actual Mammaw's house and drive 3 hours in and back out of murderous D.C, far clear of MLK, NY Ave and whatever the hell is south of Mass Ave...

Whose Got a Case of the Mondays....

Sleepy? Yep. Traffic sucked? Yep. Almost get attacked by a psycho posing as a homeless dude? No. Then I win.

I'm not generally afraid of homeless people, given where I work. If you don't know where I work...let's say it's at the Gap because that still works in the context of the story. Most homeless people are looking for food and/or free clothes, a place to stay etc...not to rob you or cut off your skin.

That is why I am not afraid of homeless people. Unless they are completely out of context with the situation and then you're like....hmmmmm bum....whatcha doing?

1.) Homeless people are dirty. Not disheveled; dirty. Disheveled people are ones who don't have enough social graces to comb their hair and complete disregard for the value of human life. Take stock of filth.

2.) Homeless people have bags. At least one. Doesn't have to be big. Size runs the whole spectrum from grocery to duffel. People without bags are not homeless. They have a place for their stuff.

3.) Homeless people do not look anxious. They just don't dude. They know they're homeless, they know it's going to be a long day and quite frankly what's the hurry. Now, meth addicts look anxious and whether or not they're also homeless is irrelevant. Meth addicts are dangerous.

So I get out of my car, carrying entirely too much stuff that does not include a rape whistle, pepper spray or taser gun and out pops the "homeless" guy. Dammit, why do I insist on parking next to the secluded entrance!

I was wondering if you can help me?

Says the guy with wrinkly, but not dirty clothes. Remember your 3 prong test kiddos! Hmmm....where's his bag? Kroger bag? Backpack? Vera Bradley tote? No...nothing.

So of course, I then say something stupid like, "No, you'll have to come back later when the office is open. There's no one here to help you now." Good job on the I'm alone and no one can hear me scream statement.

That did seem to put Mr. Crazy Eyes at ease. Excellent...I'm going to be murdered first thing in the morning. I don't even like what I'm wearing today. Admittedly, my priorities in this situation are askew. So? I'd like to die in something I at least like...

But there's 15 feet in between us and I'm wondering how fast he can close it or I can maintain it considering I'm in 5" heels. And I don't want to throw all my stuff down and run...I do not have time for this.

Listen...do you have a lady in your life? Wife, daughter, mom?

Yeah, mom.

If your mom was walking somewhere and some random guy came up trying to talk to her, what do you think she should do?

Beat his ass.

Admittedly, NOT the answer I expected but fair enough nonetheless.

Yes but wouldn't it be better if that guy went on his way and let your mom go about her business?

I'm not going to hurt you.

OK, FYI - when people say this, they ARE going to hurt you.

Good because I'd hate to have to beat your ass. If you need some help, chill for a bit and the lady at the desk will see you at 8:30.

L o n g e s t 4 s e c o n d s o f m y l i f e...

Well...

Up walks a coworker. HELL YES whatsyourname! I am so happy to see you! Man, I am really going to have to learn your name today. Don't mind my friend, he was just leaving. Holla!

The Chick At the Bus Stop Gets Low

EVERYDAY on my drive to work I end up behind the same silver Mercedes and middle school bus. Mr. Mercedes won't pass the bus, so we invariably have to stop at not one, not two, but all fucking three of the apartment complexes. I hate Mr. Mercedes but that's not the point of this particular story.

So everyday while I literally sit for 13 minutes while the bus loads up some kiddos, pulls forward 10 feet, more kiddos, 10 more feet and even more kiddos, I have a perfect view of the Marta bus stop on the corner. And everyday while Mr. Mercedes tortures me, the same lady is waiting on the bus.

Which was relatively uninteresting until a couple of days ago...Apparently somebody had a birthday because bus stop lady now has an iPod. And goddammit if it's not the best thing that ever happened to the both of us!

I already thought it was pretty funny to watch people dancing at the bus stop. Like you just totally forget hundreds of people are driving by you. And even though swaying, snapping, bobbing your head is somewhat funny, this bitch has gone all out, make it rain, Nasty Dancer.

No joke - every song on her iPod is obviously from the Ying Yang Twins. She gets down like it's a Jamaican dance hall holding a nasty ass contest. AND I AM FUCKING LOVING IT!! I literally change the radio station at the top of the hill so I'm listening to something that fits what she's doing.

But today ladies and gentlemen, today she took it to the next level...

Today she used the pole.

The one that has the Marta sign on it.

I had to redo my eyeliner when I got to the office because I laughed until I cried at this chick. Go on big girl, do what you gonna do. Never have I ever seen anything this funny! It was like The Pussycat Dolls doing a Public Transportation album. Only less attractive. She's not a little thing.

Man I hope she never gets a car.