Have A Seat and We'll Call You Soon

At the eye doctor today, I'm waiting in the contact fitting area while an 88 year old woman is trying out contacts for the first time. Part of me is impressed with her old lady moxie. I hope when I'm old I feel adventurous enough to try something new. 

I'm also impressed with the fact that she's wearing fake eyelashes. I now aspire to be an old lady who will festoon herself in cosmetic accessories. But I also hope I will still have wits enough to not wear my false lashes to the eye doctor when trying contacts for the first time. Now the old lady's moxie is wearing thin on me. 

And apparently wearing on the contact fitter guy because the first thing he asks me when I sit down is if my lashes are real.

Umm, shhhhh...she'll hear you! 

Actually no, she's 88 and can't hear anything. Contact guy repeatedly asked her if she could just take off the lashes for the fitting but got no response. When one of them fell off and onto the floor, he almost said something but thought better of it. And when she then noticed it was missing, he pretended he had old lady hearing.

This is really fun! I love the eye doctor. Hell yes, dilate my eyes! I do not mind waiting. 

So while I'm waiting for my pupils to dilate there's suddenly a lot of yelling from the waiting room. Oh no! Contact guy is killing that old lady!! Damn these drops! I'm missing the whole thing because I have to sit in this dark waiting room!

Turns out some guy was trying to leave without paying. He said he didn't know he had to pay. It's his first day in reality apparently. Welcome. 

So while I'm trying to check out, the guy and the office manager are screaming at one another. She's threatening to call the police and he's daring her. He said, "Go ahead. I dare you." That seems unnecessary sir. She is going to call them, dare or not. I think it would be more fitting if he'd said "Catch me if you can" but this is his circus. 

Then the receptionist says she's got his mom on hold. Oh no dude...the police and your mom! You're screwed. There are some things in this world I would rather take up with law enforcement than deal with my mom. The cops won't forever bring up past offenses over Thanksgiving dinner every year. 

When I'm waiting on the elevator, he comes walking briskly over and pushes the button several times. Really?? You're going to go through all the trouble of arguing and essentially stealing services but you're too lazy to run down the stairs? I'm not a criminal but this seems counterproductive. Besides I already pushed the button. 

And there's no damn way I'm getting on the elevator with him. Not that he held the door for me. But I did get to see him being manhandled by the police in the lobby. Good job there too buddy. I would've gone for the level that lets out on the parking deck by the Marta station, but again, your show. 

Side Effects May Include

I'm taking a new medication that apparently makes me itchy. Not like "Oh, I'm a little itchy..." but "HOLY FUCK!" wild, psycho-looking itchy.  It's everywhere too. I could spray myself with Hot Spot.

Itchy people have historically been marginalized - lepers, kids with lice, Malaria suffers, homeless people - so I don't really want any part of a side effect that equates me to the need to be quarantined.

Did you just jump up to scratch the inside of your thigh? Yeah, but not in a genital crabs kind of way.

Career Change

Read the passage and choose the best answer. Quick! You only have one minute, 30 seconds to answer it. Good luck suckers.

Terry:  Some actions considered to be bad by our society have favorable consequences. But an action is good only if it has favorable consequences. So, some actions considered to be bad by our society are actually good.

Pat: I agree with your conclusion but not with the reasons you give for it. Some good actions actually do not have favorable consequences. But no actions considered to be bad by our society have favorable consequences, so your conclusion, that some actions our society considers bad are actually good, still holds.

Which of the following correctly describes both an error in Terry's reasoning and an error in Pat's reasoning?

(A) presupposing that if a certain property distinguishes one type of action from another type of action, then that property is one of many properties distinguishing the two types of action

(B) presupposing that if most actions of a certain type share a certain property, then all actions of that type share the same property

(C) presupposing that if a certain property is shared by actions of a certain type in a given society, then that property is shared by actions of that type in every society

(D) presupposing that if an action's having a certain property is necessary for it being a certain type of action, then that property is sufficient for being that type of action

(E) presupposing that if a certain property is shared by two types of action, then that property is the only property distinguishing the two types of action from other types
First of all, Terry and Pat can suck it. Who talks like this?? Especially Pat. They are obviously annoying people who don't have anything else to do but sit around and talk in circles. How's that for presupposing?

I also presume that Terry and Pat play Wizard in the Woods and spent more than 5 minutes on their Wii avatars. And I speculate that neither of them have any actions of which to experience consequences - good or bad. Feel free to surmise that Terry and Pat can go to hell.

I thought studying for the LSAT would be reading case law or something useful. Instead it's made up bullshit like identigying the flaw in the dinosaur expert's argument. SCREW LAW SCHOOL!! And dinosaur experts. That's right - fuck you paleontology and all of your subdisiplines.

I'm going to quit and become a quantum scientist. There's a profession where you can just make shit up and call it real because it can't be disproved. Plus, I can't be a priest.

Dr. Sam Beckett was a hottie. I'm totally down for a cigar smoking sidekick too.

If You Can't Say Something Nice

I complain too much. So this morning, I decided to do something about it. I made a commitment to only saying positive things today...which I then quickly amended to being "neutral to positive" things since I am, after all, going to work. Rome wasn't built in a day.

So I pack up my new complacent to affirming attitude and drive to work. As soon as I get onto the highway, the traffic report says, "Worst accident in the history of 285. Stay home." All lanes are shut down, somehow melted butter from the margarine truck has now necessitated hazmat teams (yet another reason not to eat hydrogenated oil), it's been 6+ hours and there's no end in sight. My 30 minute commute is now estimated at nearly 3 hours.

WHAT THE NEUTRAL TO POSITIVE SOMETHING OR OTHER!! I don't appreciate this. I need to start out smaller on my no more complaining day.

I try to focus on the positive but I can't because the Civic in front of me with the tribal butterfly tramp stamp window decal doesn't have any brake lights. That's really making stop and go traffic...tricky...since I can't tell when its doing the stop part. Bright side - at least I didn't put a whore decal on my car.

Actually I end up making it to work in 45 minutes. Way to go power of positive thinking! And even though my coworker is blaring her hideous country music, I'm not mad. She has it loud because she's old and can't hear well. I can hear fine with my youthful ears, so I shouldn't be mad.

Then she starts coughing. That's annoying...oh wait! She's choking. Well that's not annoying. I'm not mad about that then. I'll go check on her! Pat her on the back or something! That'll be a nice thing to do!

This is when I decided to stop trying to be sunny side up today. Obviously, I've missed my own point. What the hell is wrong with me that I'm sitting and debating how positive I'll be by saving my choking coworker?? That's not really a choice! Not even I, on my worst day, would let someone die.

I did go check on her; offered to pat her back and then she told me a gross story about phlegm. Pay it forward.

Death by Snuggie

A local bar is having a Snuggie Party. Aww, that sounds fun! Me and my dearest friends, decked out in blankets with sleeves, drinking beer and staying toasty warm. But then I started thinking about just how awful this could go...

Firstly, Snuggies a long, which make them trip-able. It's hard to look adorable in a blanket with sleeves when covered in spilled cocktails and dirt.

Second, they're open in the back. If I could make an educated guess about what might be massively inconvenient at at bar, it would be a backless blanket with sleeves.

Finally (and most terrifying of all), Snuggies are highly flammable. So now my dearest friends who helped me up off the ground after I tripped, bought me a new drink when I spilled it, helped hold the back together so I didn't trip again will now also be the dearest friends who set me on fire because I've brushed up too close to someone smoking whilst draped in an alcohol soaked blanket with sleeves.

Forget stop, drop and roll. Thank God this motherfucker is backless so I can escape quickly. Only every other bar patron will also go up in flames because their Snuggies are too long and drag too near to the fire while they trip over them to escape. It'll be like that Great White show, only sadder because death by fiery blanket is pathetic.

The headlines will announce, "Death of Hundreds in Tragic Blanket With Sleeves Inferno!" According to police, victims received severe burns as a result of alcohol-soaked Snuggies.  Said one officer, "America's favorite blanket became a fuzzy mosolov cocktail." Another witness tearfully recalls the scene as, "horrific and nothing like those smiling people not on fire in the commercials."

I don't want to forever fear blankets, duvets and quilts. How cold my nights will be without bed linens! Assuming I'll even need blankets again with all of those bits of microfiber permanently adhered onto my skin. I'll have to join a traveling carnival as The Human Blanket.

I may still go but I'm certainly not wearing a Snuggie to the Snuggie Party. I'm a wet blanket so to speak.