If you've never heard my Sara Blakely story, you're in for the satisfaction of me admitting I was wrong. If you've heard it before, enjoy the satisfaction all over again.
Sara Blakely was on QVC recently. In case you are the one person on Earth who doesn't know who she is, she's the inventor of Spanx, the must-have body shaper line for all women (and now in men's!). Ask any girl - she has some, is seriously contemplated buying some or just lusts after its awesomeness from afar.
Well back in 2000, Sara Blakely was not the inventor of Spanx. She was not on QVC. She did not have millions. She was; however, super attractive. The kind of attractive that automatically made you categorize her as dumb. She was also a friend of a friend of mine. That association also led me to believe she was dumb since he wasn't the type to value a girl for her mind.
Anyway over a decade ago, super attractive Sara, who I had automatically classified as dumb, was in a bar with me and a group of mutual friends. And she was drunk; therefore, spouting dumb rhetoric.
A girlfriend and I were seated on barstools while Sara swayed slightly back and forth in front of us talking incessantly about these stupid footless tights.
"It's so you can wear socks too! Then you don't have sweaty feet! And your boots fit! AND (sway, sway) you can have control over your tummy pooch."
I really truly, honestly remember sitting there thinking that this bitch was the dumbest bitch that ever happened. Why can't you just wear socks over your tights just like we've done forever and ever? That's dumb and the name choice was even dumber. Seriously, you want to cut the feet out of tights and call them Spanx?? Good thing you're pretty because that's the stupidest idea anyone ever had.
"And I have a meeting with investors and they'll think it's awwwwwesome (sway, squeal) and then everyone can buy it! Yay!"
And then she meandered off with her cranberry and vodka whilst my friend and I laughed at just how fucking stupid she was. Heeheehee...right up until she was a guest on Oprah. And then HSN. QVC. Nordstrom. Saks. Bloomingdales. Dillards. Macys. And alas - Target. Et tu, Target??
So yes, I was wrong. So very dead wrong. I tried to deny them too. I tried in every pair of boots I owned for years. In double layers of tights and socks. I tried to not need them in form fitting pants and dresses.
But, dammit-God-dammit, Sara Blakely was right.
She was right and it was smart. She now has an empire of spandex and I have to remember how wrong I was every time I put some on. I love them too which makes the whole memory bittersweet. The thought of disgracing myself to put a sock over my tights makes me shudder. She was unbelievably right. They are awwwwwesome. Squeal.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Once Upon a Time...
This is one of those "I have a friend of a friend who maybe, just suppose had this happen" kind of stories.
Once upon a time, you're at work. Not my work. Or a real workplace at all. An imaginary workplace. You're at work at Disney world. Suddenly, screaming fills the Magic Kingdom. You and all the other dwarfs run over to the window...of the mine since this is not an office...just in time to see Quirky Dwarf being loaded into a paddy wagon.
There's something you don't see everyday. Quirky Dwarf is never seen or heard from again...
Actually, that's not what happened in this imaginary scenario. The other dwarfs - who mine gossip - do a little research and find out that Quirky has been locked up in the Tower of Crazy. Apparently they don't do very thorough background checks in this mine.
Several weeks go by and no one stops by the mine to shed a little light on what the fuck is going on and then ABRACADABRA! Quirky Dwarf is back.
Sorry, but the dwarfs changed your name to Crazy Dwarf while you were gone. And quite frankly, even if your name was now Mentally Sound Dwarf or at least Medicated Dwarf, it's a little hard to move past the time you were carted of to the Tower of Crazy and sent 100 messenger pigeons a day asking for someone to please spring you. If Snow White won't sign you out, you shouldn't be getting out.
No thanks, you and the broad with the long hair can stay up in the padded tower. At least until there aren't little singing animals or mysterious attackers following you for 6 months or more. Seriously, what the hell do you say to this? How was your...lunch break? Smooth. I'm fairly sure the last thing a dwarf would want to be is awkward and suspicious seeming with a CRAZY dwarf. In particular a crazy dwarf who thought something imaginary was trying to stalk and attack it!!
They don't live happily ever after. The dwarfs are now forced to look over their shoulders.
Not that this happened. I don't know any dwarfs.
Once upon a time, you're at work. Not my work. Or a real workplace at all. An imaginary workplace. You're at work at Disney world. Suddenly, screaming fills the Magic Kingdom. You and all the other dwarfs run over to the window...of the mine since this is not an office...just in time to see Quirky Dwarf being loaded into a paddy wagon.
There's something you don't see everyday. Quirky Dwarf is never seen or heard from again...
Actually, that's not what happened in this imaginary scenario. The other dwarfs - who mine gossip - do a little research and find out that Quirky has been locked up in the Tower of Crazy. Apparently they don't do very thorough background checks in this mine.
Several weeks go by and no one stops by the mine to shed a little light on what the fuck is going on and then ABRACADABRA! Quirky Dwarf is back.
Sorry, but the dwarfs changed your name to Crazy Dwarf while you were gone. And quite frankly, even if your name was now Mentally Sound Dwarf or at least Medicated Dwarf, it's a little hard to move past the time you were carted of to the Tower of Crazy and sent 100 messenger pigeons a day asking for someone to please spring you. If Snow White won't sign you out, you shouldn't be getting out.
No thanks, you and the broad with the long hair can stay up in the padded tower. At least until there aren't little singing animals or mysterious attackers following you for 6 months or more. Seriously, what the hell do you say to this? How was your...lunch break? Smooth. I'm fairly sure the last thing a dwarf would want to be is awkward and suspicious seeming with a CRAZY dwarf. In particular a crazy dwarf who thought something imaginary was trying to stalk and attack it!!
They don't live happily ever after. The dwarfs are now forced to look over their shoulders.
Not that this happened. I don't know any dwarfs.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Astrological Bullshit
I don't want a new zodiac sign. No one does. In fact for 3,000 or so years, we've read about our zodiac signs and said, "Yeah, that's totally me." Is this going to happen with our new, forced-upon signs?
Apparently yes.
Cancer me was, "Emotions run deep in the Cancer individual, and even small slights resonate down to his very core. When hurt or disappointed, Cancer will retreat completely into his shell and become unreachable for a period of time. Cancer is generous and kind to others, but will cautiously wait when he confronts a problem to make sure that he doesn't waste valuable resources. In the end, he will come through and help generously if no other option presents itself. Though possessing a good sense of humor and loving a good joke, the Cancer personality will often become sulky, moody, and irritable for no reason apparent to anyone else"
Gemini me is, "knows something about just about everything, making them good conversationalists and interesting acquaintances. They are inquisitive and quick to digest new information and ideas. Intelligent and logical, but with a lot of nervous energy, Gemini likes to keep busy and expand their horizons whenever opportunities arise, often multitasking between several interests. However, as the sign of the Twins, there is a dual aspect to the Gemini personality, making it difficult for these individuals to stick with any one thing in order to master it, and often making it difficult for bystanders to figure out which side their Gemini friend is really on. Gemini has more than one personality, which can change in a flash, and those near to them would do well to learn them both. On and off, up and down, back and forth, black and white, day and night, ying and yang - this is the essence of the Gemini personality."
When you put them right next to one another like that, I sound way more like a Gemini. But they're two-faced and obviously, the other face is a cancer.
Apparently yes.
Cancer me was, "Emotions run deep in the Cancer individual, and even small slights resonate down to his very core. When hurt or disappointed, Cancer will retreat completely into his shell and become unreachable for a period of time. Cancer is generous and kind to others, but will cautiously wait when he confronts a problem to make sure that he doesn't waste valuable resources. In the end, he will come through and help generously if no other option presents itself. Though possessing a good sense of humor and loving a good joke, the Cancer personality will often become sulky, moody, and irritable for no reason apparent to anyone else"
Gemini me is, "knows something about just about everything, making them good conversationalists and interesting acquaintances. They are inquisitive and quick to digest new information and ideas. Intelligent and logical, but with a lot of nervous energy, Gemini likes to keep busy and expand their horizons whenever opportunities arise, often multitasking between several interests. However, as the sign of the Twins, there is a dual aspect to the Gemini personality, making it difficult for these individuals to stick with any one thing in order to master it, and often making it difficult for bystanders to figure out which side their Gemini friend is really on. Gemini has more than one personality, which can change in a flash, and those near to them would do well to learn them both. On and off, up and down, back and forth, black and white, day and night, ying and yang - this is the essence of the Gemini personality."
When you put them right next to one another like that, I sound way more like a Gemini. But they're two-faced and obviously, the other face is a cancer.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Kirk Cameron Isn't Dead But Soon You Will Be
Kirk Cameron was recently interviewed on Anderson Cooper 360 about the dead birds in Arkansas, resulting in the following 3 things:
1) My loss of the last shred of respect held for Anderson Cooper; 2) Reversing my previous belief that Kirk Cameron was dead; and, 3) Proof that the Apocalypse is coming.
We all know that Kirk Cameron is the religious-conspiracy-theorist go-to guy. Which would lend credit to Anderson Cooper as a reporter. But in the interview Kirk says, "You know, I'm not the religious-conspiracy-theorist go-to guy, particularly."
Ooooo BURN Anderson!! Bet you didn't see that one coming!
Admittedly, I didn't either but I'm not a journalist and I don't have degrees of scope in which I claim to report on.
Worse still, Kirk also says, "Well, I first think that they ought to call a veterinarian, not me" and ""I think it's really kind of silly to try to equate birds falling out of the sky with some kind of an end-times theory."
Kirk Cameron just said something logical and reasonable to a man who's whole job is based on being logical and reasonable. What the hell AC?? Not only did he call you out on getting the wrong religious fanatic, he told you to call a vet and then called you silly. I don't think "silly" is a description journalist strive for. Maybe 180 journalist but not 360 ones.
Insult to injury, Cameron went on to say, "I decided to go on a journey and retrace the escape route of the Pilgrims. They left us clues to get us back to the real treasure of America and get the ship righted again."
There's going to be a documentary about it! Obviously it's the real-life version of Nicolas Cage in National Treasure only with Pilgrims. Finally the Mayflower will be back on course! Too bad we're all going to die before Kirk Cameron has the chance to host Thanksgiving.
Him being the most rational person at CNN, coupled with the birds falling from the sky does mean the end of days.
1) My loss of the last shred of respect held for Anderson Cooper; 2) Reversing my previous belief that Kirk Cameron was dead; and, 3) Proof that the Apocalypse is coming.
We all know that Kirk Cameron is the religious-conspiracy-theorist go-to guy. Which would lend credit to Anderson Cooper as a reporter. But in the interview Kirk says, "You know, I'm not the religious-conspiracy-theorist go-to guy, particularly."
Ooooo BURN Anderson!! Bet you didn't see that one coming!
Admittedly, I didn't either but I'm not a journalist and I don't have degrees of scope in which I claim to report on.
Worse still, Kirk also says, "Well, I first think that they ought to call a veterinarian, not me" and ""I think it's really kind of silly to try to equate birds falling out of the sky with some kind of an end-times theory."
Kirk Cameron just said something logical and reasonable to a man who's whole job is based on being logical and reasonable. What the hell AC?? Not only did he call you out on getting the wrong religious fanatic, he told you to call a vet and then called you silly. I don't think "silly" is a description journalist strive for. Maybe 180 journalist but not 360 ones.
Insult to injury, Cameron went on to say, "I decided to go on a journey and retrace the escape route of the Pilgrims. They left us clues to get us back to the real treasure of America and get the ship righted again."
There's going to be a documentary about it! Obviously it's the real-life version of Nicolas Cage in National Treasure only with Pilgrims. Finally the Mayflower will be back on course! Too bad we're all going to die before Kirk Cameron has the chance to host Thanksgiving.
Him being the most rational person at CNN, coupled with the birds falling from the sky does mean the end of days.
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