Dear Gross-Ass Icky Lady,
Please, please, please make sure that your excrement makes it INTO the toilet. Not near, not next to, not on, but IN the toilet.
This isn’t your first toilet experience is it? Certainly you have not been befuddled by the set up? Toilets have, essentially, remained similar in design for thousands of years. In other words: Do your business in the hole woman!
My dog won’t even shit all over the floor without being epically embarrassed about it. He knows it’s wrong, but he’s fresh out of viable options. But you...you gross-ass icky lady, you have options. There is no excuse whatsoever that your poo should be on the floor. None.
And let’s just say, that for some reason beyond the realms of my imagination, that you are forced to, or perplexingly must shat on the floor of the office’s restroom - for Christ’s sake do not just leave it there! It is not “Oh shit! I shit! Oh well!”
And then, your gross-ass icky lady self should also...FLUSH THE DAMN TOILET! Shock and awe I know, but that’s what you do. Poo in the toilet; flush away.
For my own personal sanity, I am choosing to believe that this is just one, gross-ass icky lady. Singular. Not several. Even though I fear this place is rampant with swarm of gross-ass icky ladies. No coworkers, I will never visit your homes for fear of finding out you are the gross-ass icky lady.
But Jessica, aren’t you being a wee dramatic? Surely they aren’t pooing on the floor every day?
First of all, you can never be too dramatic about poop. Anytime poop is where it shouldn’t be, it is an emergency. Code Brown. Poop on your hand = AHHH! Poop up a baby’s back = bathe that baby! Step in poop = feverent grass wiping.
There is never, ever a reason to let shit linger. Even people who let people shit on them for sexual pleasure don’t keep going with the deed after the deuce has been dropped. I’m assuming here; I don’t actually know where in the kinky fecal foreplay things go down, but my assumption is that the poop is the game ender. I mean, God I hope so.
And back to my point - no, I am not exaggerating. There is misdirected or misplaced poop in that bathroom EVERYDAY. Or worse. They probably should keep a plate of sugar cookies by the sink because someone is apparently hemorrhaging. Yes really.
It’s all so gross. I can’t take it anymore. Please stop gross-ass icky lady.