They’ve been redoing the siding on my apartments, and with all the ripping, (and a) tearing, and other racket, the little creepy crawlies that have been holed up in the woodwork all these years are coming out.
Specifically, they are coming out to scare the fucking hell out of me. And friends, I don’t like this.
Last night, I’m taking Nigel out, and open my door to find the biggest motherfucking spider on Earth outside my door. No, I’m not being dramatic. It was really, the biggest motherfucking spider on Earth. That’s even its genus name: Arachnid Biggus Motherfuckerus.
So Nigel goes prancing out the door to go pee rainbows and sunshine, whilst I freeze at the threshold. Spiderzilla also freezes...then slowly...raises up on 6 of his legs, and points the 2 front ones at me.
That pony-sized spider got into the standard “I’m gonna fuck you up” spider stance!
Now, I don’t speak spider, nor am I a spiderologist, but we all know what that means - one of us is going to have to run like hell.
Of course, I’m wearing flip flops, not holding a textbook, can of Raid, or toting a sawed-off shot gun. So basically, I’m a dead man. The spider has the upper hand and it knows it. I’ll be lucky to walk away from this with only the heebie jeebies.
I quickly debate going to the kitchen for the 20 Foot Shot of Raid, but Nigel’s still taking care of business, so I can’t close the door. And there’s no way in hell I’m leaving the door open so that 8-legged freak can come inside.
So, naturally, I do the only thing I can do in this situation: I try reasoning with it.
“Listen Spider...I want you to go away. I don’t want to hurt you. You probably don’t want to hurt me. So...just...go...away. Don’t come inside. Put your legs down, and walk away...”
Obviously the spider knows I’m bluffing and the peace talks were doomed before they even started.
Then Nigel comes bounding up to the door, making both the spider and myself jump. And then I lose sight of it!! AHHHHHHH, where did it go?!?! Dammit Nigel!
My immediate fear is that the spider has run towards me to get away from idiot Nigel. Quick, quick Nigel! Get in the house before the monster spider gets you!
But idiot Nigel isn’t called idiot without reason. 8 fucking weeks of dog training, and he always had to be reminded to sit down before coming in the front door, but last night? Nooooooo, last night Nigel was completely trained, and sat his idiot ass down right on the doorstep. Good job Best in Show, but now it NOT the time!
NIGEL!! What the what are you doing?!? Now I can’t slam the door, leaving him outside because he’s sitting in the middle of the door frame! Quick you moron! GET IN THE HOUSE!!!
I reach out to grab his collar so I can yank him inside, when he suddenly jumps up, spins around, and begins vigorously sniffing the spot where he was sitting.
Great...just flipping great. Either Nigel just scared himself with a fart OR the giant brain-eating spider has hidden itself in his dense coat in order to Trojan Horse its way into my home!!!
THEN HE JUST WALKS IN THE HOUSE LIKE THIS ISN’T SOME SORT OF EMERGENCY SITUATION.
And there, right behind where Nigel was sitting, is the giant Spiderzilla...2 legs still raised.