Two and a Half Feet Under the Sea

I was attacked by a sea monster! Some sort of predatory, venomous shin-stinging sea monster! Get your waders and harpoons!


According to my doctor, I was not stung by a jellyfish. As in, "That is not a jellyfish sting. How do you know it was even a jellyfish?"

Ok lady, seriously...it's not like I'm telling you I was stung by a jellyfish in my garage. I was in the ocean. It stung. What else could it be?? They took a culture to find out but honestly, I don't want to know. I don't need to think something other than a jellyfish and itsy bitsy fish are lurking in the water.
 
Anyway, the kraken bite went away. Only to return with a vengeance one week later. AND IT'S SO ITCHY!! Good God it's uncomfortable. Keep in mind, I've had a baby and was rewired like a toaster - I know uncomfortable. I had a little daytime fantasy about scratching it with sandpaper. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...
 
Then I admitted I probably needed to go to the doctor. No more medical remedies from Home Depot! Less doing!
 
I haven't been to this doctor since the ill-fated appointment that landed me in the hospital back in March. I was a little hesitant to go back. By "little" I mean "indescribably terrified." Good thing they put me in the same room too. What are the chances that history will repeat itself?
 
Yeah, about 90%...
 
That is not a jellyfish sting. It should not have come back. It should not look like that. We're taking a culture and some blood. I'm concerned that this and your other symptoms have left your immune system in a compromised state. This could be MRSA. We need to...
 
Slow down Dr. Kevorkian, you just said MRSA.
 
You need to start an aggressive cycle of antibiotics. MRSA or not it'll clear up this infection which is good. If the blood work comes back clear, then no worries. If it comes back positive.............................we'll go from there.
 
She really did quadruple ellipse me. Every one of those little ... fuckers is a bad, bad, bad thing. That's what MRSA stands for - "BAD BAD BAD BAD THING."
 
You'll need to take all 8 of these medications, including Valium. Bottoms up Joan Collins. Try to avoid touching the sting and physical contact with other people.
 
OH GOOD! You know, the mental isolation over the last 6 months really has not been enough. Let's go for physical isolation too. That's awesome. I'm a fucking leper. Set me up a little encampment at the edge of the parking lot and throw some bread at me as you drive past. And please, if you see Jesus, send him my way for some hands on healing. Thanks.
 
FIDDLESTICKS! Yeah, I'm so damn frustrated that only an absurd exasperated exclamation will do. Obviously, if they really thought I had MRSA, I wouldn't be allowed in gen pop. I'm high-risk. Damn you cancer office!
 
And damn Poseidon and his little Gamera while we're at it.
 

It's Now Safe to Re-enter the Building

Oh is it! That's good, except...I never got the message we were supposed to exit.

I was just kidding yesterday when I said it smelled like brimstone. I didn't realize the building was really on fire. You know, they should really invent some sort of alarm that goes off when there's a fire. And since fires are so dangerous, they should probably also make people practice exiting the building when this futuristic alarm for fires is invented. Maybe even come up with trucks to bring large amounts of water to put out the flames. Better yet! Have these magical trucks hook up to pipes that carry water throughout the whole city!

The city of tomorrow will never be built if you let it burn down today.

How come the old side of the building that was built in 1802 practically out of matchsticks has a working PA system?? I don't care about orange carpet and wood paneling in my office if it means I'LL SURVIVE A FIRE!!

Isn't there supposed to be someone assigned to make sure we all got out ok? Where's that person? At the very least you deserve a verbal warning. Maybe even up to and including that I kick your ass after I am finally released from the burn unit. Don't make me stalk you around looking all Man Without A Face. I would.

Hey remember that time you let my face burn off in the fire? Yeah, me too.

The Nail Shop Called Me Fat

Below is a new story from Channel 2 about weight discrimination. I added my own discrimination in italics...

DEKALB COUNTY, Ga. -- Michelle Fonville said her experience at Natural Nails on Covington Highway in DeKalb County turned from pleasant to painful in a matter of moments. Let's go ahead and call this mistake number one.


“I was humiliated. I almost cried. Tears were forming in my eyes,” said Fonville. If the nail shop experience was so humiliating, why why why are you now on TV telling the greater metro Atlanta area?

She said things went downhill on Monday after the salon manager gave her the bill for her manicure, pedicure and eyebrow arch. I'm preeeeeetty sure this started at the bottom of a hill.
 
Fonville realized that she had been overcharged by $5. Wait for it...

“I said, ‘I’ve been overcharged. She may have made an error,’” said Fonville. “She broke it down, then told me she charged me $5 more because I was overweight.” OH SHIT!

Fonville said she couldn’t believe what was happening and recounted the experience with Channel 2 Action News reporter Eric Philips. Was this her first time there? Was "Fat Fee" listed on the menu of services? Come on supposed fat lady! You of all people should be attuned to looking at the menu!! God Eric Philips is a horrible reporter...

“I said, Ma’am, you can’t charge me $5 more. That’s discrimination because of my weight,” said Fonville. Or a $5 inclusion charge. You and your fat ass are welcome, for a price...

Salon manager Kim Tran told Philips that the surcharge was due to costly repairs of broken chairs by overweight customers. She said the chairs have a weight capacity of 200 pounds and cost $2,500 to fix. So shouldn't the fat fee actually be $2,500 + the cost of a pedicure for people over 200 lbs.? So much for that stereotype about math...

“Do you think that’s fair when we take $24 [for manicure and pedicure] and we have to pay $2,500? Is that fair? No,” Tran told Philips. I'm confused as to how the $5 surcharge makes up the $2,495 difference?? How many fat people are there??
Tran said she refunded the $5 surcharge, and told Fonville to take her business elsewhere. But Natural Nails off of Covington Hwy. does the best UV acrylics! You can dig into fried chicken, peel off candy bar wrappers and get little designs of  zebras on your nails. You can even scoop up the really thick butter cream icing with them like 10 digitspoons!

“I didn’t want to argue with her about $5. I wanted to make her pleased with her service,” Tran said. “I whispered … I said, ‘I’m sorry, next time I cannot take you.'” My FAVORITE part is that she points out she whispered. You know...to be sensitive to the fact that she was saying she was too fat. Discrimination doesn't hurt the same when it's whispered.
 
I know what you're thinking...are other nail places charging more for fat people or are they simply redistributing the costs across all weight classes? Or are there really proactive nail salons who buy chairs that can handle static weights of 400 lbs and up? Well because it's Channel 2 none of those questions are answered.
 
This isn't about fat people. Well, the above was but this part (right here) isn't...200 lbs isn't a lot of weight. Guys regularly hit 200 lbs. Would Ms. Tran charge a really tall, buff guy an extra $5 for services? That would have been a good question too Mr. Philips. Wow...you really suck as a reporter.

BTW, if you look at this lady's picture - she does look really fat. Not like 202 lbs fat either. Not that we know since Eric Philips is a retard.

http://www.wsbtv.com/news/24708583/detail.html

Silk & Cookies

Please explain to me how I can eat soy, milk it and apparently make ink out of it and that all be ok? I should not be able to eat something that I can also write a poem with. Bic does not make a dairy product. How do you milk an almond? What's wrong with milk? Like moo milk? Oh you're lactose intolerant? Drink some fucking water then. Some people are just not meant to enjoy milk. Tough cookies. I can't have cinnamon. Jolene can't have Tylenol. Get a real allergy.


It's not even an allergy! It's an intolerance. They don't have peanut intolerance. Or latex agitation. Lactose intolerance isn't a real thing. Otherwise I'd have a red light intolerance and a pretty severe intolerance to peas. You know what I do with food that makes my tummy hurt? Stop eating it. I don't go out looking for some sort of vegetable-based alternative. Or worse, nut-based.

Almond milk is for idiots. Oh, I can't have real milk. I'm so delicate I can't even have milk from a bean. No, no my milk has to be from virginal almonds from (it just occurred to me that I have no idea where almonds are from) holy blessed almond farms.

My skin is so delicate I can only wear expensive fabrics. I can't wear fake jewelry because it turns my skin green. I put up the oriental rugs to put out the ones from Pottery Barn so the new puppy could pee on them. Fancy, fancy, fancy.

Meanwhile, I'm drinking real milk only when it's on sale and everyone in the house has to pee on the Target throw rug because we can't afford a plumber.

I can see my dog at Puppy Day Care with the online video feed! Screw you. I have basic cable. Oh and somewhere someone doesn't have food to eat. But whatever, I don't have HBO.

Let's not be mistaken - I am a fan of consumerism. I wouldn't be caught dead with a cell phone even one day past it's 2 year contract. GASP!

But at the same time, I'm flat broke, working my way right on into $50k in student loan debt and looking for a soy-based alternative to paying it back.

And you're so fancy that you need to have milk squeezed from a legume? Sorry but they're just feeding that cow almonds and laughing all the way to the bank. Your "intolerance" is Darwinism and you and all your little nut squeezers are just postponing the inevitable - you will die first.

Have You Seen My Voodoo Doll?

For those of you who don't know, I spent a lot of time working in the Gulf area after Hurricane Katrina. One of my coworkers there had just gotten married and one night while out on a riverboat (cliche but really) she told us the story of how she found, kept and paid for the man of her dreams.

Read it like Paula Deen, it'll help. Oh and imagine it's nighttime on a riverboat. That'll help too.

Ok ya'll, it's kind of a crazy story and I know ya'll will think I'm crazy but here's what happened...Mike had this girl friend who was certifiably a psychopath you know. And she was into Voodoo. So I asked my friend if it was the Voodoo that kept Mike with her and my friend said "YES!"

Well, of course, I felt obligated to free Mike from this spell or whatever so I asked my friend that does the Voodoo to help me. So my friend says, "Get yourself a pair of his underwear and bury it in your yard." And I said, "WHAT?!? His drawers?? I don't even have a yard! I live in an apartment!"

But my friend who does the Voodoo says, "Then bury it in a potted plan you keep in your house." Apparently even Voodoo allows for shortcuts.

So that's exactly what I do. I sneak into his drawers for his drawers ya'll. Then I take them home and bury them in my African Violets. Do you know what happened next? Mike leaves that crazy woman! And he starts coming around, asking me to dinner. And the whole time I'm like SHIT YA'LL I got this man's drawers in my African Violet! But it worked.

But Mike's crazy old ex decided she was going to get me back. And she made a Voodoo doll of me! I don't know if ya'll ever had a Voodoo doll of yourselves but I swear it is no fun.

 I couldn't let this crazy bitch poking little Voodoo me and who knows what else so I decided to go kidnap myself. So while we're all out at this bar, I sneak into her purse and grab the doll and run away. Except, then I lost it...

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? YOU LOST YOUR VOODOO DOLL?? Who does this?! I don't know that I believe in Voodoo but I can damn sure tell you that I would not lose a Voodoo doll of me. I would put that little fucker in a Barbie Dream House and enjoy the high life. I would not rescue it from a psychopath, go out drinking with it and then LOSE IT!

That's really the end of the story. She lost it, and as far as I know, never found it again. Hope she doesn't kill that African Violet...

We Found Patron in Your Breast Milk

This morning while driving to work I happened to catch V103 doing a prank call bit for their morning show. Now, I don't see in color but like I said this was the radio and I can hear in color...and well, the differences between a prank call on Q100 and this one on V103 are huge. Huge like the contrast between black and white. Biggest being that this V103 call was above and beyond anything Q100 could ever hope to turn out.

So the DJ calls some woman who has just had a baby. That's mean already! Poor tired new mommy. Let her sleep! But this woman had the baby a month premature so her little son was still in the preemie unit at the hospital. Holy shit V103! Are you serious? You called a woman who had a baby a whole month early who had to leave him and his underdeveloped lungs in the NICU? On purpose? Knowingly??

Yes, yes they did.

Then they proceed to tell this woman that they tested the breast milk she's been faithfully dropping off every day for 30ish days for her premature baby in the NICU and that the test results confirmed that Patron was present in the breast milk.

Yeah, take that Q100!!

OF COURSE the woman is mad and denies drinking but Nurse V103 keeps insisting that they found liquor in her breast milk, accuses her of drinking Hypnotic and listening to Jay-Z albums. Mommy is so mad that she tells the "nurse" she better hand the phone to someone, something anything be it office plant or janitor, standing nearby before Mommy comes down there and kicks the trifling nurse's ass. She was so mad she suggested talking to a plant! That's hysterical!

This is the most horribly awesome thing I've ever listened to! Does it get better? You  bet it does!!

Nurse V103 says, "Is the baby daddy an alcoholic?"

Mommy, "You don't need to know my business."

Nurse V103, "I'll know it when you finally find out who he is on Maury."

Seriously the whole thing was awful-awesome. Kind of like the Rhianna and Eminem song about domestic violence since domestic violence is wrong but the song is catchy. And I asked myself why V103 would even do this just like I ask myself why Rhianna likes domestic violence. Yeah whatever sad irony. It's ironic that the guy from Lord of the Rings could ever even get the chance to perpetrate domestic violence against Megan Fox. But then again, Megan Fox did marry that guy who isn't the Jamaican guy who sang "Informer" but the guy who somehow was on 90210 and is even less rememberable than Snow.

What's The Meaning Of This??

I don't get it.

No one gets it. It's a neologism.

Neologism?

It's a new word.

I guess. I've never heard it. What's a neologism?

Wait...what?

What's a neologism?

A new word.

I know. I'm asking what it means.

No that is what it means! Neologism means "new word" or "new phrase."

So that's not what this is called?

Yes and no. X is not called neologism but X is a neologism.

That doesn't make any sense.

That's what makes it a neologism!

It's also what makes it stupid.

Exactly.

Are you making this up?

No but even if I was it would still be a neologism. Maybe even more so.

It can be more new?

No. That's not what that means.

You said it meant new.

Well it does...but it can't be more new. Maybe a newer neologism.

A newbie-neologism??

EXACTLY!

It would be funnier if I knew what the hell you were talking about.

If you did, we never would've had this moment together.

It was a beautiful experience.

You're welcome.

How Neighborly!

Yesterday, I'm pulling up to my house, admiring how my new neighbor was landscaping at dusk in his flannel pajama pants when I notice their cute yellow lab and their really ugly, squatted brown dog.

Oh wait...not a dog. It's the other neighbor's pig.

Seriously! Is it not enough that you have a collection of stupid roosters that start crowing in the wee hours of the morning? Not enough that your free-range dog poops in my yard? That people who find your wandering dog throughout the neighborhood ring MY doorbell because the "I'll Shoot You" signs you've posted all over your yard terrify them? Was it not enough that I had to fill out your census by proxy because the lady was too afraid to knock on your door? That the guy from the other end of the street had to chase your chickens back into your yard whilst in his underwear after they stopped traffic? I'm not sure why he was in his underwear but that's not the point.

Now your pig is shitting in my yard too?!?

And poor Mr. PJs is new to the neighborhood! This is the kind of impression that we make?!?

Mrs. PJs, "It's a pig!"

Mr. PJs, "What?! Where did it come from??"

Mrs. PJs, "From behind that boat."

No really. Seriously, put the boat back in the back yard. Stop hammering in the middle of the night. Put out your cigarette before you knock on my front door. No, I do not want to see, hold or visit the baby chickens. Stop carrying that squealy pigglet around; he obviously does not like it. No more wallpapering messages onto your roof. Stop threatening to shoot people.

If you must shoot something, please shoot the roosters. And possibly the pig. Hell, shoot the boat too.

Then please go back to being the nice, normal neighbor from a couple of years ago.

Kids Say The Darndest Things To Everyone That Will Listen

Because being on blood thinners means I could potentially bleed to death quickly, I have been instructed not to shave so that I do not die in the shower a la self-inflicted Psycho. But it's summer time! So my doctor finally said that if I insist on being so vain, I should use KY jelly to shave with because it creates an even more consistent barrier than shaving cream so the chances of nicking yourself are reduced.

Am I this vain? You're goddamn right I am.

The only thing about KY is that it is almost always locked up by the pharmacy at the grocery store. The idea of having to seek the assistance of some 19 year old grocery store employee to get the cabinet unlocked is too awkward for me to face. So I'd been avoiding it. Until, I saw that there was KY in the girlie section next to lotions.

Yay! I made myself a mental note to come back and get it later. Then I made myself a literal note by writing it on my grocery list. And then I made the biggest mistake by taking Lillian to go grocery shopping with me.

Lillian hates the grocery store. She whines about how her feet hurt from walking around. In order to distract her, I put her in charge of the list. That'll keep her busy since she can't read...this is what I get for being smug.

Lillian can't read words like "tomato" or "swiss cheese" but she sure as hell can read "KY." And read it she did. OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER. She told every Kroger customer that she was helping, "Mommy find KY jellies." EVERYONE. All the old ladies, the deli guy, each and every person between aisle 2 and aisle 11.

But of course when I told her to stop saying it, she then started saying, "Why? Why can't I talk about KY jellies Mommy? Why?" and then, "Can I carry it Mommy? I won't say anything; just carry it."

No! Shhhhhhhh!!

And then I see people I know...Sorry, Tammi and Lou, I really wasn't trying to be rude but even though I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have been offended, I still didn't want Lillian to tell you all about KY jellies, shaving and blood clots.

"My mommy is looking for KY jellies but I'm not allowed to carry it."