Calculating Pointlessness

Is it that girls really don't think about what they're saying or doing before they say or do it? Because I'd hate to think that we're that stupid. At the same time, I'd hate to think we're that calculating, especially when it's pointless. Sadly, we all know that calculating pointlessness sounds just like a girl.

Yesterday at the beach, 2 girls come set up next to us. They're at least old enough to drive but probably not old enough to drink so let's just go with 18. And they're attractive. I'm not hating on them being attractive and just assuming they were stupid. I'd rather have attractive girls sit next to me at the beach too over the alternative giant woman in a leopard print two piece who's second piece was swallowed by her ass. And these girls proved stupid all on their own which gives me 3 hours of hysterical.

First comes the frisbee. That's pretty normal right? And they are awful at it (also normal since I think I might suck at frisbee too) But then comes the squealing. I mean...it's frisbee ladies. Calm down. The squealing attracts the attention of ever old creepy beach man and once the girls realize this, they finally sit down.

I don't know why guys have to stare like that. Are you serious?? Squealing, frolicking in the surf and frisbee is practically in the Creepy Beach Men Mission Statement. Too bad these girls don't learn their lesson...

Next come the handstands. HANDSTANDS? I'm calling this one as largely unnecessary but I guess everyone needs a place to practice their handstands so now is as good as any right? Except gravity might be a new one on them. Upside down + strapless bikini = ??? Sometimes life lessons are learned by doing.

Here's another life lesson learned by doing that didn't work out so well...Creepy, internationally known Natalee Halloway murderer + going with him anyway to his hotel room in Peru = ????? Oh hell the scientific method got your ass murdered!!

Anyway, back to these girls and their handstands...

I don't know why guys have to stare like that? I DO!! Pick me! Pick me!! I know the answer!!!

You two are stupid. Beach, bikinis, squealing and handstands! The only thing that would make this more like the opening scene from a porn would be...

BUBBLES!!

I laughed out loud when they brought out the bubbles. This is calculating ladies and we all know it. There is no reason for bubbles. None. And they're twirling the bubble wand around, giggling at bubbles and then getting ridiculously offended when men stop and stare. You stupid bitches brought out bubbles and it's everyone else who has a problem.

There's no way you can't know what you're doing. I don't even believe these two girls could be that stupid. Which sadly means they're calculating but what, I can't figure out. But no one factored in the super creepy guy who asked for help with his bubble wand.

They were uber offended and I was uber amused.

Your Incessant Questions Answered

Ok so there are some things I didn't consider before getting a tattoo on my forearm but they aren't the things you ask about. Yes, I did know it'll be on my arm forever. And let's just skip the "meaning" speech since it makes me sound like an asshole and you like you are retarded.

So here's what didn't occur to me...

1. Having a tattoo on my left forearm would open up conversations with every drive thru employee I come into contact with. That is exactly as good and as bad as it sounds.

2. That covering my tattoo would be such an enormous pain when it comes to matching. Don't you hate covering it all the time? No, but trying find a light weight sweater in the summer kind of sucks but at least that covers my arm. Printed, short-sleeved anything is not my friend. You try to compliment your skin tone. I have that plus 8 other colors to deal with. Does this shirt make my tattoo look fat?

3. Tattoos don't have sex with women. Lesbians have sex with women. They don't go hand-in-hand like a homosexual relationship like you've obviously been misled to believe. Full circle - you're a bigot. And if I were a lesbian, my tattoo would get all the ladies.

4. People would feel so enthralled by the vibrant awesomeness of my tattoo that they feel compelled to touch me. You must be a mess at an art gallery huh? I have never been so overcome with someone's something that I couldn't control myself. Not even like a finger touch either. Like full on stroking. Buy me dinner first or hands off.

5. What will you tell your daughter? Same thing I'd tell yours. They're like forever stickers, so before you think about forever sticking Batman on your arm, think about how you now loathe your once beloved Barney. Nobody wants gross baby stuff on there forever. Unless you have a Looney Tunes tattoo but then, your kids will be poor decision makers by genetic default. Shouldn't you say something about regret? No dude, I don't regret my tattoos. But probably because I don't have a prison-quality Barney face on my upper thigh.

6. That I would ever spend such an absurd amount of time putting on SPF 70. Or that said absurd sun protection would lead to hypnotizing color excellence that would get me molested by strangers any time I'm without my sweater.

Stockholm Syndrome & 311

Recently I made the statement, “I hate 311,” which I now feel compelled to expand upon…”I really hate 311.”


Here’s the thing - all of their songs sound exactly the same. But since I like Less Than Jake and all LTJ songs sound exactly the same, then perhaps that’s not a good reason to hate 311. Let’s face it though; I hardly need to good reason to justify myself.

So, I think it’s that I hate jam bands. I don’t like WP (who btw, I think are capital S stupid for adding “S” betwixt WP just so people didn’t think it meant “White Power” Like there aren’t any other W or P words. That's pompous and pompous is just as bad a racism at least for right now because that what works in this example…). I also don’t like Dave Matthews Band. They sucked before they dumped poop on those poor people taking a boat tour and they suck now. That saxophone player probably died on purpose just to get out of the band. We all know Hootie would try to die too…

People listen to bands like these when they’re on drugs and that is not the time to judge quality. You'd have to be high to think it was good. You know you’d probably listen to your hair dryer for 6 hours if you ate mushrooms. You’d listen to whatever is on because your either too damn lazy or too damn disoriented to get up. I cannot find the remote...well...I guess it's not that bad. Then you listen to it for hours until you actually believe you like it. There's a syndrome for that! You've been brainwashed into liking your captors' music! Patty Hearst couldn't find the remote either and look at where she ended up! WSP and DMB made whole careers out of your drug-induced laziness. That’s not art. That’s taking advantage of the incapacitated. You should be outraged when you finally come down.

I wonder if meth addicts listen to 311…actually, I wonder what meth addicts do at all. They always seem so busy – running here and there, twitching, plotting. Too bad they steal shit because they’d probably make really great maids.

My tub has never been so shiny since I hired Meth Maids. I paid them in pawnable items. Who needs Grandma’s wedding china anyway?

But meth addicts will clean you out more than the Grinch and your mouse would be gone along with his crumb. Random, but true.

So I hate 311 and Maidamphetamines are a bad idea (though catchy).

Proof That Cat People Are Mentally Retarded

http://getodorcontrol.com/

I see this commercial last night and it blah blah blah's on for about a minute and then...

THIS LADY EATS CAT LITTER!!

Wait, why?? Did that just happen? Good thing I have a DVR...

Was it not possible to show how well this product worked without eating it?! WHY ARE YOU EATING IT?? Bad lady! Someone needs to squirt her with a water gun.  What does it's odor eliminating greatness have to do with eating it?

I don't care how good it is for the environment, we don't eat fucking cat litter. In fact, I'm so offended that she did that I'm going to go buy a cat, feed it nothing but popcorn shrimp and imitation crab meat so it shits a lot and then let it use baby seal pelts and endangered rainforest timber as its litter box.

The greenest thing about that commercial is that it makes your stomach turn. Seriously lady - gross. I don't know how you can live with yourself. If you have lived, which you might not have since you ate cat litter. That's Darwinism lady.

And those no such thing as 110%, unless we're referring to how gross you are.

Psssst!

This will be an overshare but we're past my apologies and your expectations of something classier...

I need to make an appointment for a bikini wax. So of course, every person in my department has congregated outside of my door. Jolene offered to conference call the spa for me and do all of the talking but that feels too fancy for me. My vag doesn't need a logistical coordinator.

The situation is already kind of funny. I don't care, per se, that my coworkers hear me - though all of them, at one time is perhaps excessive. But I guess I raised to be slightly shameful about being heard when discussing my personal maintenance habits. Only slightly though since I share it with you, the most intimate of strangers...

Psssssst! I need to make an appointment. Ma'am, I can't really hear you. I need to make an appointment. For? A...bikini wax. Sorry, what? A....bee...kee...nee...waxing. I'm sorry, I really just can't hear you.

So then I'm giggling and actually have to hang up. And now I'm embarrassed at how enormously stupid I am over the whole thing. Suck it up, call back.

First close office door...

I need to make an appointment for a bikini wax. Sure. Regular or heavy? What? Is it regular or heavy? Is what regular or heavy? The hair.

I have no idea how to answer this question. This isn't my first time and I've never been asked this. Isn't this really THEIR job to determine regular or heavy? Was it that too many women with the bikini lines of Sasquatch complained when they were charged double? So now there's a preliminary determination? Oh yeah, it's like one of those Himalayan cat types down there. You'd think 2 squirrels had taken up residence in her panties.

See why it's hard for me to have this conversation!

Umm, regular. Is this your first time? No. So you know what to expect? I'm expecting a bikini wax but if something else is going to happen, I'll need a head's up. Haha, funny.

Yeah, I'm hysterical. But then she says...We just want you to be aware of aftercare and if there is any bruising, etc.

HOLY SHIT. Guess who bruises easily. But whatever. I'm going and if that means I'll look like I was in a prize fight with a midget, I'll just be ok with it and so will everyone else.

Bad Apple

My iPhone ate your number. Everyone's number. In fact, the entire Contacts button (as it were) is gone. This is bad enough on a regular day...but today Apple? TODAY?? Like 60 hysterical things have happened since I left work and I could share it with no one.

1. I went to pick up my prescription from my doctor and while leaving the security guy in the parking lot ran over a pine cone that hit a lady walking by in the face. That's funny since it was a pine cone and not a rock. Well...it might have still been funny but I might not have admitted it publicly.

2. While making a deposit at the bank, the guy in the lane next to me does not turn his Young Joc down. Lady in the lane on the other side of me then yells, "Turn your bullshit off!" Lady has coined my new favorite catch phrase.

3. In the parking lot at the grocery store a boy walks up to me and asks for a donation so he can go back to his private academy high school. Sorry kid...I JUST made a donation to you going to public school when I paid sales tax. Why can't he go to public school? Because my parents want the best for me - says the kid who's said best-wanting parents let him wander a parking lot alone, in 100 degree heat, begging for spare change.

4. At the nail place, the girl doing my manicure was yellow. I don't mean that in a racist Asian yellow way...I mean it in a maybe she experienced a tragic face painting accident kind of way.  Yeah, you're gonna have to explain this before you touch me. Innocently enough it's only iodine which would be disappointing, except...

5. The bottle of the color I want won't open. So she decides to microwave it to unstick the polish. There's an apparent technique to this - where you stick it in a cup of water and microwave it for 25 seconds. Sadly though, she did not read that issue of Real Simple and blew up the fucking microwave. Yes! Could it get better?? Yes it can...

6. The chubby little boy with the rat tail who sang that Pretenders song the last time I was there runs screaming from the back when he smells the smoke. It was one of the best non-heroic "screw you guys because I'm surviving this" actions I've ever seen. Only to follow it up with him...

7. Telling that damn parking lot academy boy that he doesn't have any money donate because he's only in elementary school and that maybe he should get a job.

The Greatness of Everything About Everything

Since finding out my dad passed away, my adult life has disappeared and I feel 5 years old all over again.


When I was little I would sing in the car with him. No matter how long the drive was or how many times I wanted to sing the exact same song, he always let me. He never asked me to be quiet. And in between songs he would explain things to me like poetic licensing, freedom of speech and the meaning of mile markers.

My dad knew everything about everything. I knew that to be true when I was 5 and I know that to be true now at 28.

He would read me the comics from the weekend paper while I sat in his lap. I learned how to play cards from him - Go Fish, then War, Hearts, poker and with guitar picks for the chips.

We played Monopoly and I know he surely would let me win, but he was so sly about it that I never caught on. I would think, "My dad knows everything! So I – a 5 year old – must be the most amazing 5 year old ever because I could beat the smartest man on Earth!"

I didn’t recognize until much later that was the point - I was the amazing child of the smartest man on Earth and I could do anything.

I learned about ethics and morals over slices of bread being gobbled by ducks. It was always subtle like that. He never criticized me. He never gave me a speech. He would wait for me to ask.

Or he would wait until he could slip a life lesson into a game of Monopoly.

He gave me the inspiration to want to know everything. And in that, he gave me everything I would ever need.

My dad knew everything about everything because he was a great dad. And I will miss him as only the amazing child of the smartest man on Earth could miss her father.

My Mom's Solution to World Hunger

While dealing with my dad passing away, my mom came up with a solution to world hunger. Who could have ever imagined that such a sad event could produce a global revelation. She also made me swear I would never tell anyone. Let's assume that's because she's such a humble giving spirit and not an evil hunger perpetrator. And as with every blog - apologies to my mom in advance.

If I were homeless, I would just go buy dog food and eat that. It's made with real meat and vegetables. And it's cheap.

Did you really just say that?

It's cheap. It's edible.

Mom, you cannot possibly be suggesting that homeless people eat dog food! Who cares if it's made with real meat and vegetables! IT'S DOG FOOD! Oh look at how shiny the bum's coat is! He's got a spring in his step that can only come from eating Pedigree.

That's not what I meant...

Are you sure? Because when you said, "I think homeless people should eat dog food," it kind of sounded like you were suggesting homeless people eat dog food.

It is real meat. The commercials say you can recognize it in there. I just said I would eat it if I were homeless.

So there should be kibble kitchens where hungry people can go to eat Fancy Feast? Will it be served in tiny crystal bowls? Will the staff sing that meow song whilst serving it?

You're twisting what I said.

It's flavorful, it's Beneful, it's for homeless people.

If dogs and cats can eat it...

THEN IT MUST BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR POOR PEOPLE!

That's not what I meant. Don't go telling anyone I said that.

Yes ma'am. I promise.


***My mom would like me to add the disclaimer that this was her personal plan for homelessness and never meant to be a solution for anyone else.***

Going Bra Shopping Because It's The Last Thing On Earth

I hate shopping for a bra. HATE IT. So when my post-doctor lunch plans fell through and I completely exhausted every other waste time option in existence...FINE, I guess I'll go bra shopping.

How there can be so many variations on useless pieces of bullshit, I will never know. It's like all of the Clash of the Titans remakes only with lace. Seriously ladies, some of those bras are too padded for drag queens. You wearing them is misrepresentation, up to and including fraud. All of the stuffing, water balloons, gel, wire and elastic - you are an epic disaster clean up on aisle 6 & 7 of Hobby Lobby.

I need a racer back bra. Not a convertible bra. Those suck. One strap always comes loose and you only notice when it's come out the arm hole of your tshirt and snagged itself on a door handle so instead of walking outside, you're wrestling to figure out why you can't walk through the door and how your boobs just came out. Then since you're in the midst of a breast emergency and OF COURSE not close to the bathroom, you seek out the assistance of some random woman to reach inside your shirt to fix your fucking bra.

AND THEN - despite the fact that you probably spent upwards of $60 on the bra you're now terrified to wear it because it won't stay clasped. We all know that if the clasp comes out once it will do it every single time that you so much as consider wearing that bra. Next thing you know, you're wearing your old, comfortable but hideous bra with safety pins and infinite sadness because you'll never feel sexy again.

Guys so aren't sympathetic to this either. Why you gotta spend so much on them? It's just a bra. Screw you. If a guy were to buy underwear that even hinted at being uncomfortable, they throw them away no questions asked. That underwear felt scratchy on my balls. What's the problem then?? Let the boxers scratch your balls so you don't have to while we're talking.

I'd just hate for that to feel not so soft against your balls. Woe is you. And woe for your balls. Just go without one. Nope. Because probably the only thing worse than buying a bra is the idea that one day my boobs might be even with my hips. NO THANK YOU.

Now try wearing something that lifts and separates them by digging into your skin and gets you stuck in a doorway. Try that. Then debate with yourself if you should buy the matching underwear that Victoria Secret is pimping only to then come to the conclusion that there is an age where having something written or a picture of a dog on your ass is no longer appropriate. If it was even ever appropriate. Which is wasn't.

Words on your underwear aren't necessary because you're either taking them off to shower (the soap can't read) or your getting busy and I don't know of anyone who took the time to read an ass message before getting busy. And if you think quips on your butt are funny, you're not mature enough to have sex. Or shower. Take a bath.

RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE

Everyone in my Business Law class is an asshole. We're required to post, respond to at least 3 other people's posts and reply to anyone that comments on our posts. So every time one of those idiots comments on mine, I have to go back and reply.

STOP BEING WRONG! Go be wrong on someone else's thread. Leave mine out of it. Stop misspelling the hell out of everything, misinterpreting the whole point and then wasting my goddamn time. I have to practically walk you through a simple sentence over and over, times 15 people. 15 stupid people!

I went to the nail shop and got my nails fixed because one had broke off in the grocery store yesterday. Is that a contract?


No bitch...that's a boring ass story. And now I have to explain which part of your boring day was a contract.

I don't see how getting my nail fixed is a contract. I was mad though because that's the one with the palm tree on it.


I don't see how you're in college. Nail art is gross people. Seriously. It's only appropriate if your office includes a pole. Still, here we go again on the pay for services explanation.

But I didn't pay for it to get fixed. They didn't make it strong enough the first time. It was their fault.


How is it their fault YOU broke YOUR fancy crackhead nail off in the grocery store?!? Stop replying to me! I can't take it anymore. I mean seriously! Not only did you lose your nail somewhere in the watermelon bin (I am not making that up) so that some little kid will be terrified when he tries to enjoy a delicious summer treat but you then went back and blamed the nail "shop" for your complete lack of common sense.

Either be right, be decent or be quiet. I don't want to participate in this discussion anymore.

You Smell Skinny

Hate to break it to you (and your spare tire) but pureeing your food into juice doesn't magically squish out the calories.  Seriously, if that worked you would never see a girl with food. Not to mention, if that worked, you probably wouldn't have to liquidate vegetables. I'd be drinking liquid Snickers.

I love a good fad diet as much as the next person but really - let's get our priorities straight. FIRST should be the question "will this diet make me smell funny?" THEN, "will this work?" No one will hang around long enough to compliment your girlish figure if you smell like apple cider vinegar or a mid-July compost heap. Stick with chubby and smelling not like ass.

Ok, so after you find one that won't make you smell, now assess whether it will actually work. It won't but whatever; it's a process right? Let's get there together. You know, it would be faster if you just dehydrated yourself...that's the tricky part since it's the water that dilutes the smell...so I assume that's hard to do. Thirst is a pretty basic need, so you don't want to end up acting all irrational and submerging your head in the toilet to quench the thirst. Skinny potty heads aren't attractive either. Don't believe me? Go peeking around bar bathrooms around last call and see if you see anything heaving that you'd like to get to know. Here's a thought that probably never happened - That girl is so hot, I'd love to see her puking in my toilet. Actually...maybe it has. Guys are strange. What? She was already bending over!


You know, I hate the fact that they make the contestants on Biggest Loser wear those basic solid color shirts because it reminds me of M&Ms. And then I feel all guilty eating M&Ms while watching them perform tricks like fat little monkeys because the little crazy lady screams at them. Why isn't anyone else upset by the fact that they make them work for treats?

I'd be offended if I wasn't so damn entertained and high off of the endorphins chocolate gives you.

Breaking News - Shut Up

The statement, "Don't mind me, just go about whatever you need to do" is never true. Most especially, it is not true of my current house guests. I feel like I'm being tortured, repeatedly, by repetition.

WHO THE HELL CAN WATCH FOX NEWS FOR 14 HOURS STRAIGHT?!? Whatever your opinion of Fox News...seriously? All day! Oh and please, let's not regurgitate what they've been saying. They're typically wrong and then somehow you manage to make it even more wrong. Fox News is the best one of those news channels because they tell it straight. I think that's better summarized as fear mongering but whatever.

I've learned that you just can't argue with stupid. Sadly, you can't shut it up either.

Those poor people in Arizona and the Mexicans that come over and take their children. WHAT? They don't cross the border to take children! This isn't Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Not even Fox News said that. It's a good thing that they have that law since the government won't help them with those people. Last time I checked Arizona wasn't the only border state; nor the only state with an illegal immigration problem. Georgia isn't exactly lacking in the undocumented. Don't you think it's a good thing they have that law to protect their children? No, it's institutionalized racial profiling. Oh look! That show about raccoons is on.

I know every detail about cruise ships you ever didn't want to know. I know about icky medical conditions but not once have been asked about how I'm doing. I have heard the word "fat" at least 600 times, listened to an excessively drawn out argument about ice cream, been asked the same questions over and over regardless of if I've answered them and for the most part my answers are ignored.

I don't care if you like having your "man friend" call you a ditsy woman but I'm finished tolerating it. I have a sense of direction, I can drive a car, I don't need someone to mind my affairs and I happen to think suffrage was more than just a "waste of time better spent elsewhere."

That's not what health care reform did. No, the Civil War didn't happen like that. It's called "red clay." No I don't know what kind of fucking ice cream you had 15 years ago in another place with people entirely different from me and no dammit I cannot figure it out from your vague description that doesn't include adjectives. If you want something, ask for it. Turn the TV down and fucking ask for it!

I do mind you. I'm trying to write a paper. Did you know I'm applying to law...yeah, raccoons. Stop interrupting me! I am THIS CLOSE to sneaking a Mexican raccoon across the border to come and eat all your beloved ice cream.

Lord, look at what has happened to me. The combination of incessant selfishness and Fox News has actually driven me insane. I'm so happy to be at work I can hardly stand it.