Lambaste the Helpful

My coworker was out of the office and something came in that she usually handles but it ended up in my email so I decided to go ahead and do it. Why not? I'm nice. I don't want this other office to lose some money over a missed deadline. Sure, I'll help.

The usual process is 2 weeks but I have to make this happen in one day. Impossible? Nope because I did it. I had help, from said absent coworker's staff. Mission accomplished, document mailed and funding secured! Yay team!!

Except not yay for me. Nevermind the fact that I had 5 meetings, 2 two-hour conference calls, accusations of plagiarism, near expulsion, total stress induced break down and 4 all-day trainings to prepare for...nope, nevermind ALL OF THAT...because my favor to do this work was the wrong thing to do.

Apparently, I should have first told the other office that they can screw off because that deadline was impossible (despite I've obviously proved it possible) and that they might as well shut their doors and fire the staff because there's no way we're going to help them.

And I definitely should not have put staff person's name is the "TO" and coworker's name in the "CC" because somehow that messes up the balance of the universe.

Then I made things EVEN WORSE when I offered to help staff person after coworker finally shows up in the office for half a day but leaves early and poor staff person is left handling an enormous amount of work. Coworker really shouldn't have to trouble herself in staying one second after quitting time. I was obvious retarded for being there an hour and a half after mine.

Icing on the cake? When coworker emails me all of the things I didn't do, I point out that I actually did all of them. But then the reply is that I not email anymore and must only speak in person.

AND THEN SHE COMES STOMPING DOWN TO MY OFFICE TO TELL ME THAT I AM SOMEHOW RESPONSIBLE FOR HER DOING A POOR JOB OF SUPERVISING HER EMPLOYEES AND I NEED TO BE MORE RESPECTFUL OF HOW I ADDRESS THE EMAILS THAT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SEND.

I AM BUSY!

My door is closed. It has a note, "Really Busy, Thanks!" I have 4 hours to finalize a 6 hour presentation that I have to repeat in 4 different cities in 4 days, beginning in 3 days and I could NOT BE MORE STRESSED OUT!

But my bad.

I've Been Falsely Accused

So I wrote a paper on these stupid shrimp supposedly dumped into the U.S. market. Like anyone gives a damn about Indian shrimp and domestic shrimp. Fuck all the world's shrimp. I just picked that topic because I thought it would be humorous to write "anti-dumping" and "shrimp" over and over again. FYI, the humor was short-lived and then it moved right on into not funny at all.

My professor uses some software to compare papers to internet content in order to find out if work has been copied. Neat. EXCEPT THIS STUPID SOFTWARE IS WRONG!

The comparison came back that my paper is 100% identical to the case study I used as a refernce. One-mother-hundred-fucking-percent. As in, I take off Mr. Indian Free Market Lawyer's name and just popped in my own.

First of all, that would be incrediably STUPID of me. I think even if I was the type of person to copy someone else's work (which I'm not) I would hopefully not be such a retard that I would not bust out a thesaurus and at least try to make it look like my own. Secondly, I DIDN'T steal this guy's work!! I am neither dishonest or retarded.

In fact, when you compare my paper and the source there is not one single identical statement or concept, except for the one I quoted and correctly cited in my paper.

Except my professor can't change the results from that software. He hasn't even done a side-by-side comparison of my paper because ultimately it wouldn't change the outcome. I get a zero. I fail the class. The only thing I can do is appeal being expelled under the automatic expulsion for plagiarism policy.

Essentially I have no way to disprove I didn't do this!

You Finally Lost All That Weight!

What the hell did you just say to me?

No really, let's repeat it...You finally lost all that weight...

Screw you. Not only did you imply that there was an ENORMOUS amount of weight to be lost but that I was lazy about doing it and thus it took a long time.

Look who's talking Christy Ally. You're not exactly itty bitty.

You're going to have to stop complimenting me. You're a terrible complimentor. The last time you said I looked skinny you also asked if I was taking some illegal herb from South America. Oh and then there was the "aren't your shoes just like my grandma's. too cute girl!"

Or that time you compared my new hair cut to your new hair do. "Hey, we got the same style!" YOURS WAS A WEAVE! A bad one too and we all know it fell out in the parking lot later that summer.

Bethany & I Wonder Ponder Together

Bethany: im glad you finally figured it out
now you should have an exorcism
if only we knew she was a real demon all along

me: i really might sprinkle some salt around

Bethany: haha!

me: see who actually walks into my office

Bethany: do it!
salt & a crucifix

me: they'd vacuum it up every day
ooo, maybe one made from salt
i'd lick it though

Bethany: eww

me: i love salt and jesus
not in that order in case he's listening

Bethany: hahahaha

me: do you think god listens more closely to people's thoughts in churches or people in strip clubs?

Bethany: hmmmm

me: like it might be ok to take a break from the hearts of church goers b/c they're not up to sin in church

Bethany: well
yeah i was gonna say something like that
i bet he listens alot to XXXXX

me: so church would be the place to hatch an evil plan
not that I am, in case God is listening

The Lesser Key of Solomon, A Workplace Resource

In my opinion, we’ve moved too far away from demonic classifications. What happened to good old God-fearing, plague upon your household, quite frankly you remind me of Beelzebub straight talk?? The locust finally died down and we forget our roots.

I can’t believe how much time I just put in researching which demon my coworker was most like. No, it’s not right of me to compare her to Satan; that’s why I was researching. She needed comparison to a vile - but not ruler of all demons - demon.

I think we should be able to call people demons. Not like, “Oh she’s such a demon to work with” but more like “Anne is basically Mephistopheles.”

Let’s face it – we all know an Olivier and a Belial.

It’ll probably be helpful in knowing what you’ll be dealing with before you ever get there. No one has ever said, “What’s that Lucifer guy like?”

But then I came to the conclusion that you can’t compare someone to a demon without looking like the asshole. I’m okay with that.

By the way, she’s most like Sonneillon.

Not the Time, Not the Place

You are good. Yes, yes you certainly are. I have to say, I did not expect to have you talk to me at all since we've been in this regular pattern of not speaking but you really surprised me by not only speaking to me, but knowing my name and doing it while I was trying to use the bathroom. And to be so blunt!

So, do you not like me?

Well...hmm...I've never actually thought about you before. I've seen you. Sometimes we're on the elevator together. But as far as liking you or not...I'm drawing a blank. At least, a blank until now.

NOW I do not like you. Don't sneak attack your insecurities on me when my pants are down. Bad behavior! Bad!

You could've waited. Then you wouldn't have had to repeat the question. Because I was convinced there was no way in the world you were talking to me. I make it a habit to only be on the defensive with my pants zipped.

So, you don't like me or something? Nope.

I Found Your Missing Booger

Would the owner of a missing booger please come to the breakroom door knob to reclaim it.

Yeah hey...I found your booger. You left it on the inside of the breakroom door handle. Aren't you careless?! Leaving those things lying around everywhere. Bet you'd lose your whole head full of boogers if it wasn't attached.

No worries though. I only screamed and hopped up and down in sheer panic. Yeah, one of the other gals checked on me.

But really, I'm good. Once I stopped shuddering and after washing my hands 10 times. Though the gag reflex is taking a bit to settle down.

Assume the Ability

Relationalism assumes the ability to understand the perspective of others who differ in life experiences.

True, this may sound funny coming from me considering I can come off as intolerant but really I’m not. Narrow-mindedness annoys me. Each of you is one or two unfortunate incidences from being just like “those people.”

See, we didn’t all grow up with you. Thank Heaven too because we all know your poor momma wouldn’t have been able to handle any more yous.

If I grew up so poor that we never had food consistently and my neighborhood was so dangerous we couldn’t go outside, I bet I wouldn’t know which one is the salad fork either. Or if I grew up so rich that my parents could afford private schools to keep me separated from the common riffraff, I might be judgmental of you too. And if I grew up so alone because my mother would rather smoke meth than hug me or refused to believe me when I said her many boyfriends touched me, I might have the biggest chip on my shoulder too.

I might fanatically protect myself because no one protected me.

Or I might give into the notion that I am not worth protecting.

Sorrow cannot be seen by the naked eye.

I’m not just like you. And thank goodness you’re not just like me; it would ruin my uniqueness. If we were, the whole #1 DAD mugs and one-of-a-kind granddaughter birthday card industry would go out of business. Happy Birthday to the Girl Who’s Just Like All Those Other Girls!!

When your parent passes away, will you wear a sign on your car so that you can cut everyone off in traffic? Would you pin the diagnosis of terminal cancer to your shirt so that you can scream at people in customer service? Would you wallow in your own horrors or spread it to those around you?

Could you rise above if you’d never seen what that meant?

Will you judge my worth on a mere instant? Would you teach your children to do the same?

Relationalism assumes the ability to understand the perspective of others who differ in life experiences.

10 Minutes to Self-Destruct

In the span of 10 minutes, you managed to solidify yourself as quite possibly the most offensive, ignorant person I’ve ever witnessed. And believe me; I’ve bared witness to a lot of stupid, offensive people.

First of all, her name is Osma. Not Osama as in bin Laden. And she’s a girl. She’s not the leader of a terrorist organization. Not to mention she’s from Mumbai, which is in India.

Yes, she’s Indian but not the scalp you kind that you just referred to. Actually we call those “Native Americans” now and I’m pretty sure they don’t actively scalp people anymore. Hope your fears are assuaged.

No, I don’t know if she thinks cows are sacred. SERIOUSLY? Just a second ago you thought she lived in a teepee! No, I don’t think Hindu people are just like Muslims. Not all Muslims are terrorists. Not all Indian people worship cows. They don’t actually worship them, you know that right?

Those were buffalo and it’s not the same kind of Indian!! Did you just conclude that Native Americans came from Indians because you think a cow is the same as a buffalo?! It is not a coincidence!! That doesn’t even make sense!

It’s called a sari and it doesn’t look like a bathrobe. She won’t wear one and even if she did, you probably shouldn’t call it her “shimmery bathrobe dress.”

If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go scream the Serenity Prayer at myself in the mirror.