The United States of Mommy

Five(ish) years ago the United States of Mommy emerged as the predominate uberpower for all things Lillian. Recently, there has been somewhat of an uprising. This behavior will not be tolerated. Nor will the propaganda campaign of whines.

Mommy is prepared to enact sanction after sanction against you. Mommy will decimate your world into a tiny providence. All of your beloved stuffed buddies will be taken hostage. No negotiations for their release will be held if there are to be tears involved. Barbie, and her cohorts, will be imprisoned on the top shelf of the closet. The days of Curious George cartoons are over.

You will get dressed when Mommy says to. We're instituting a new timeline for compliance. While you will still be allowed to wear your traditional "dresses only" attire, you will now choose it before bed and there will be no morning amendments. You will not crawl down the hallway at a snail's pace when asked to get dressed. You will not flop around on the floor in your underwear complaining of being too tired to stand. You will not cry because the dog is looking at you during aforementioned floor rolling.

You will get up. You will get dressed. You will brush your teeth and hair without accusing Mommy of pulling it. You will put your socks on and so help me God, your shoes as well.

"Plus-sized" Model Jumps off Cliff

Ok, not really. That's just wishful thinking I guess...

Crystal Renn used to be a skinny supermodel. But when anorexia didn't work out and she almost died, she made the decision to eat. And BALLOONED up to a size 10.

umm, gasp....

She's so amazing because she likes being fat now. What a hero! So brave for no longer starving herself. So brave for getting out there and between gorging herself, telling people how much she loves being a big ole fatty plus sized model.

SHE'S A SIZE 10!! Crystal Renn can go to hell in a carb-packed bread basket.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/sep/27/fashion-health-and-wellbeing

Contemporary World Politics Textbook

I'm selling my textbook on Half.com but I'm at a loss on how I should describe it in the notes about its condition. This is what it should say...

USED, FAIR CONDITION paperback textbook. Previous owner obviously suffered from Parkinson's yet still highlighted excessively. Psychotic repeative writing of "China RULES" on back inside cover. Entire book smells - combination of sweat, curry and maybe dead rodent. Includes - what appears to be bird seed throughout Chapter 1 & 2, probably a booger on pg. 83, several pieces of rice on pg. 467, a feather on pg. 502 and sticky yellow goo throughout final chapter and appendix.

An Open Letter to My Nemesis

Dear Inept Deco-Murderess,

While I'm not entirely sure why you want to kill me, I want to just go ahead and say that I'm really not comfortable with it. If you're after my money, you're sadly mistaken about my net worth. I do not, despite what you might have heard, go home and swim in my gold coins like Mr. McDuck. If it's my glamorous good looks...well, I don't really know how you can kill me for my looks unless you wore my skin, which I think people would notice. I'm not all that glamorous in the first place, but not even super model skin looks good worn second-hand. Regardless, please don't peel my skin off.

It's true, I threw away your air freshener. Both of them. And it's true that after you hung that mirror on the door in the bathroom with sticky putty, I took it down. I mean seriously Master Carpenter, who hangs a 5 lb. mirror with sticky putty?? That stuff is made for sticking a sheet of paper on a wall. You obviously decorate as well as you murder.

So let's just stop trying to kill me with scents and precariously hung home accents.